I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
