I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
