A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
