seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize