if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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