everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
