I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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