Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
