You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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