More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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