So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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