I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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