he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
