My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
