I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
