a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
