mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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