He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
