last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
