i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just blew my weed a kiss
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
