I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the condom got lost in my hair
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
