he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
