I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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