Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
