she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
