I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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