he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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