I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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