I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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