non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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