If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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