Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize