Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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