There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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