Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
