Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
