I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
