You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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