Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
