if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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