remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
