My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
