Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
