I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
