i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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