I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
