I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
