Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
