I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
