I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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