I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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