so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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