Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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