Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
foreskin is a definite game changer
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
