I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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