I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
