Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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