i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
