Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize