chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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