They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
