ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Your dad touched me again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
