He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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