Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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